educational tv

the season finale ended sunday. but i watched the "live" recorded version today.
and for those who were wondering, i'm talking about SURVIVOR. apparently i'm one of the millions who watch this most popular reality tv show yet i cant count more people than fingers i have on one hand who still watch this show.

and i talk about this because thought hit me today as i finished one of the "greatest seasons of suvivor history: season 19". thats right they already have 19 seasons of this stuff. and ive watched every season (minus season 18 which i have to go back and watch now) since season 3 africa. you can say i'm a loyal fan. its even on my list of things to apply for. ive got the pdf on my desktop. its a passion.

butt ( )( )...(and thats a big butt...), i have to admit i had some thoughts cross my mind during this finale that never have really crossed my mind before. and im wondering if i had anything to coincide with a mentality that was fresh off of a retreat.

watching these contestants, 6 months after the show was all filmed, aired, and finished, these people were still trying to validate themselves by the things that they did in the game. and yes while it was "just" a game, to many of these contestants, this "game" represented the entire context of a person. there was a sense of self-worth that had to be defined by things they did in the game. and for one contestant by the name of russell, it went as far as offering $100,000 to the winner of the show in order to be given the title as the "sole survivor".

for russell it was like this. he believed he played the greatest, most strategic, most manipulative game in survivor history. and as a fan, i cannot disagree. watching the show, as just a show, russell was by far the most exciting player in the game. and in the moments where i defined a person just by the things that he did in the context of the show and in the context of winning, russell was my favorite player. i wanted him to win to prove his worth as this greatest player. but in the end, when it came down to the final day where he single handedly placed himself, he lost. the reason was because the people that vote for the winner of the show believed that a persons worth went further then the context of the game. the way the game was played represented a person's greater image in contexts out of the game. but russell couldnt accept that, and he wanted the title of the winner because he felt deserving of it. his actions in the game justified it.

and watching this, i couldnt but help pity this man. pity the man who was happily married with a pair of twin daughters. a man who was a self-made business man, who turned his dream into a multi-million dollar oil company. a man who was so skillful at manipulating people, that he made the game of survivor into a joke. but in the end, there was nothing this man could do in all his justification, to bring himself the title of the winner or "sole survivor." that was out of his hands. that was out of his perception of reality.

so whats left? a failed sense of justification. a distorted view of reality. or for russell, the game.
and as i thought about that, i thought about one of the many things i learned this retreat. and i do say many. (i have a feeling there will be many more posts in these next few days).
how many times have i been blinded by this game of life just like russell?
how many times have i held on to a sense of reality that i believed i have rightfully or successfully justified myself. in my faith, how many times have i deluded myself and justified myself in thinking that i am successful by the things i do and the positive emotions i feel? how many times have a i placed my worth in the things that i associated myself with?

its all worthless justification.

the only justification is the justification by faith alone, made justified by the blood of Christ.

i think this was an understanding process that began in the beginning of this year (ironically, or maybe not, around the same time the season of survivor started) and has come to full realization now. (SPOILER ALERT)

if you've made it this deep in the post, ill share something personal. (not that i write this post for you but more so that i can comprehend and get my thoughts down in a manner different from pen and paper).

it goes back to the moment of my assurance of salvation. my baptism. less than a year ago but coming almost to a full year now coming january. it's not that before then i had never been to church. in fact, i had been at sarang since the 2nd grade. it's not that i had never known or heard of the gospel, of the bible, of justification by faith alone, of this of that...i had been a youth bible study teacher, an assistant, a president of some leadership group, a praise team member, a this, a that, a whatever. you want a list of things i ve done? ive got it. things i knew? i could write a book. but all of that, i quote someone you might know well. "i count it all a loss."

because in the end, those things were useless. in fact, they were hindering me. they blinded me from seeing the thing i never had, faith. you can have all the knowledge and accomplishments in this world, but without Christ, it is all for naught. and for me, these things which i knew and did, (and i did them well just like russell played the game of survivor), became my identity. it became my justification of faith. how can i do all of these, how can i know all of this and not know Christ?

but thats the thing. i missed the big picture. i missed the part where there was a life and a contet of judgement of morals beyond the game.

that people look beyond what you did in the game (russell) and put them in the context of society, and to these people, the means which you ruthlessly got to your position at the top (lie, cheat, steal, burn socks) was acceptable in the context of winning the game, but not in the context of society.

i missed the part where there was a greater purpose to all of my serving and head knowledge. there was a real and living God who wanted a real and living relationship. not just, stuff.

so coming back now to the beginning of this year, people always ask me why i never joined the church praise team, the church servant team, or even dt for that matter. and for me, it was difficult to answer these questions because i knew i couldnt answer it in one sentence of "just because".

i really did want to turn in those applications. i wanted to go deeper into a spiritual community that had helped me finally see the bigger picture and what i had missed these first 19 years of my life. 18 at the time. but in my heart, i knew i just wasn't ready. no not serve, i was ready to do that. what i wasn't ready to do was dive back into the very things so blinded me back in my years of well...blindness. in my new found understanding of this "big picture" or the establishment of a personal relationship and justification by faith alone, i didnt want to find myself justifying my walk with things like praise or events or this or that. because as much as i thought i could in my mind, in my heart i knew i couldn't do these things just yet without feeling a sense of accomplishment and worth in a faith that is NOT justified by works.

and because knowing was not enough, i had to make a drastic action to get this through to my heart. i had to say no to the pride of my head and obey the humility of the heart. because what good is a blind leader? or a deaf servant?

and when it comes down to it now, do i have any regrets people ask? i say no. no regrets because that was the will of God. for me to learn the very things that i am typing now. but i cannot lie and say that not regrets, but thoughts of "what if" occasionally cross my mind. "what if" i had done this or joined that. what would certain relationships be like now. but "what ifs" are secondary to what is. and that is the person standing before you now. faultless and blameless only in the shadow of the cross.

and who says tv is not educational?

hindsight 20/20

can you imagine if we made all the right choices all the time? as positive and helpful as that sounds, i dont think i would want that. or i should say, im glad that i don't. i realize that i learn so much from hindsight. and even more than just from looking back at mistakes, decisions, or just experiences, i learn from talking/sharing these things with others. i learned that in a conversation today. because i'm not a naturally inclined to share things beyond words to fill up the space, i don't really process and digest a lot i have actually been through. it's amazing how much i learn about myself when im in the process of talking about something i've "learned" to someone else. it's like a simultaneous process. im learning about myself and sharing that information to someone else at the exact same time.

like right now. im still processing my hindsight learning capabilities as i write/type this right now. that explains the lack of cohesion. maybe thats why im such a scattered writer/speaker/thinker. the stuff in my head is usually not organized and therefore never comes out organized. it becomes organized on its way out. kind of like those coin counting machines. they dont organize the coins first and then count them. they count them and organize them at the same time.

except the funny thing is, my coin counter is not that kind. it just stores then coins. and its kinda full right now. i actually need to go manually sort and count them soon. oh the irony.

HA~!

flashbacks

i took a look through my old xanga posts just now. well wasn't that a trip. hahaha there were some pretty cheesy things in there. some pretty emo moments. some pretty pictures. but most of all, a lot of honesty. i'm not sure where all that went. did i become a less reflective person? or did i just grow out of more worries?

it made me think. and made me want to write again. anything.

i had this phase where i wrote short stories. about love and turkey sandwhiches (separate topics mind you) . and then i went through this phase where i had a music/song of the day which became weekly which became monthly which became nonexistent. pretty funny stuff. maybe one day when im older and more mature and less self conscious ill open up my xanga again just for laughs.
but for now, just my own personal trip down memory lane.

P.S. im doing great

trying to make sense of the lack of sense

where did i go wrong?
where did i become so derailed from my initial agenda that i dont even have the motivation to get back on track?
take me back 5 weeks from now. and i wouldve told you never.
im stronger than that. better than that. ive grown out of that.
but now i sit here. its like square one all over again.
it's not how can i go back. i already know that.
it's why can't i bring myself to go back.

in my head i want to make those changes. but in my heart, something is resisting.
i must find it. i must vanquish it. like a ghostbuster. or a sinbuster.

i keep reaching for my squirt gun even though i know the man above me is giving me a napalm to use. there's something inherently wrong with that picture. what is it?

Look ma' no floaties!

you would think that having a week free of midterms, assignments, and just...stuff would be relaxing. but i guess i'm a busybody. when there's work to do, when there's things to get done, i lower my head and just go. and when im going, im not thinking, im not looking around, and im not really stressed. im just focused on an immediate goal and nothing can faze me. and in these moments when everything is systematic, orderly, and going according to my plan, everything is good.

and then there's weeks like this. when im liberated and free to do whatever i want. i change of pace that in the middle of business, i look forward to it. but i guess i'm better off when things are just going. not stopping. i've been wrestling with some big things this week, and its been quite a match in my head. its only thursday and im more physically and mentally exhausted than ive been all quarter.

i've been thinking a lot about my immediate future and plans and goals. and when things aren't so concrete, i admit it stresses me. the lack of solidity drives me to find it, and sometimes i understand that big decisions take time. yes they take careful planning but they also take moments off to just sit and be undisturbed. i think im trying to think everything through logically in my head, im trying to be systematic. im trying to fit a circle peg into a square hole.
it wasn't working, i wasn't getting an answer. i was getting more stressed out.

and then today. i felt an urge to just have a day of peace. a moment of silence. some rest. even God rested on the 7th day. so i did. sucks to the consistency of class. i decided i could have a day off after my morning quiz. i decided i could have a midmorning nap and a mid afternoon movie. (i watched kiki's delivery service).

and now im refreshed. im poised. im ready for the weekend. maybe. or i could just be delusional. i had mountain dew just for kicks. and i never drink soda. or rarely i should say (never say never). and now i still have to go back and fight the system. fight my fears and the problems i brushed aside.

should i dive head first or feet first?

insert creative title here

daylight savings time officially ends in 2 hours. we're supposed to change our clocks at 2am.
but i don't get it.
are we really saving daylight? or are we just tricking our time scale and eventually ourselves about time and its relation to the brightness of the sky? (because in about a week i'll forget that we ever moved our clocks back until we have to move it forward again).

and then everytime we do this daylight saving business, i get super paranoid that my cellphone clock might not change and my alarm will be off for the morning so i set all these other manual alarms so i dont oversleep. or undersleep and wake up panicking thinking i overslept.

and you know what the end of daylight savings time usually means?
it means winter is coming.
i hate winter. i hate being wet (its inconvenient) and i hate cold (its cold). and winter is wet and cold. and on top of that it gets dreary and dark. i dont like that either. i like warm sunny beach. i like shorts and a t-shirt. or maybe even no t-shirt. if its appropriate.

BUTT.
for some reason i dont have a sense of dread about winter coming this year. and usually i DREAD it. like NOOOO DONT COME.
i think its been a long summer. a long, difficult, fulfilling, memorable, maturing, learning summer.
and i think im ready to move on. and i guess whats next on the 4 seasons menu is winter. fall was basically like summer. except for those two miserable days of rain.

so welcome back winter once again <--- link

Emancipation

struggles.
too many times i try to be the one in the drivers seat. things need to go as i want them to. especially when it comes to personal goals and schedules. but when things get tossed around a little bit and i get out of sync, it becomes a day like today.

completely random, unproductive, and spent with that constant pressure of having to do something but not really wanting to do it. a total wrench in the gear kind of day.

but amidst all chaos, i did find a moment of calm. i packed my bags, put on a jacket, turned on the headphones and just walked. i flip-flopped down the awkward steps so loud that im sure you heard it. i stared at the people running in drake stadium, all confined to their individual alleys and headsets. i walked through a rather sophisticated party of tuxedos in front of the jan steps in my sweats and took my sweet time. i helped a lost man to royce hall. i climbed a flight of stairs and then climbed back down just because i wanted to. i sat in the middle of the giant funnel sculpture in front of broad shine my flashlight straight up.

i had my own personal adventure. and as short and random as it was, the night air cleared my head. the thin fog cooled my emotions.

tomorrow is a new day.

manic monday

just when i thought i had it all figured out, i'm reminded with days like today that i don't.
i don't know exactly what part of today that threw me off. maybe it was falling asleep during morning prayer and QT while thinking im strong enough to do this every week. maybe it was walking to a different class than i normally do on monday mornings. the muffin i ate instead of a rendezvous bagel sandwich? actually trying to do my readings but failing miserably? eating a spontaneous dinner? my first monday night prayer? my first skype videochat with my new headset? listening to someone talk about their personal relationship til 2am in a dark room?

just the whole day was out of the ordinary regimented schedule that i like to order my life after. there weren't even any big wrenches. just a lot of little small ones, and just like that i feel...

i don't know. i don't really know how i feel. i don't know how to react. it's like my feelings got confused. at times i felt excited. then i felt lonely, ambivalent, motivated, hedonistic, deceptive, free, angry...just too many things. at once, one at a time, this, that, that, this.

there is no point to this post. there is no structure, no subliminal message, no sense.

its just another manic monday.

a new beginning

it's back. my mind, my sanity, and my inspiration.

it's been quite a different and challenging summer to say the least, but i've made it through; a little more experienced, a little more prepared, and a lot more broken.

i sit here, a sophmore now (it's still weird to say that), and i feel like i have a little more direction. last year was a lot of growing up for "baby Calvin." and that's not to say that this year will not have its fair share of growth. in fact, i look forward to even more. but to just be focused on growth i feel is a bit selfish. that's something i've come to terms with pretty recently too thats made me reshift my vision for the year. It kinda came to me in a weird mid morning nap dream/analogy:

so we call the word, prayer, and the maintaing of our relationship with God our spiritual food. and we always make the analogy that we must eat this spiritual food, just like physical food, in order to say nourished, healthy, and survive. however, there is a purpose to food beyond survival. food is fuel, and fuel is meant to be burned in the process of action. what that action is is different for different people. When it comes to spiritual food, it is also fuel meant to be burned in the process of action. and not just "meant to be" but "neccesarily meant to be" because what happens when one gorges himself with food (however healthy) and does not burn the calories he intakes? He becomes obese and obsolete. And i think this can be applied in context to our spiritual analogy here as well. As most beneficial to our soul as our spiritual food is, if we are to just selfishly eat in the purpose of "just growing," we will become obese and obsolete!

and that is something i definitely do not want to become this year. i do not want to be chan bab or cold rice. i do not believe in stereotypes...most of the time. and so, here i am, ready to take in anything that might come my way this year, but also ready to throw it all back in the opportunities that arrive.

i do not want to be limited or confined but i want to be driven in my own freedom.

ready, or not, here i come!

Run, Don't Walk

eyes heavy, head pounding, keys typing. why?

what's pressing inside of me that i need to type away in this physical depravity?

i'm a time waster,
a noncommittal coward,
a problem cover-upper,
an emotional wreck.

but im pretty sure im ok. there's something magical about knowing it doesn't really matter.

Commitments

i always believed that i was a committed person. that i can follow through things which i start. that i don't say the words "i give up" or "i quit." that there are no takebacks. that my priorities are priority.

but more than recently, ive been finding myself running away from commitment. running away so that i dont have to start, so i dont have to struggle with the words "i give up", or make my priorities a priority. pitiful excuses over firm commitments. where has my foundation gone?

and so as i look even deeper, i find a crack behind the boulder. maybe i was never a committed person. so many failed relationships. abandoned hobbies. forsaken dreams. forgotten promises. ive dabbled in so many different things that nothing seems to identify with me anymore. some call it fickle. maybe its capricious. but i think there's something inherent in me that wants to be unbridled. in opposition to a fear of being tied down. of losing my independence and self worth.

and then i wonder, when will the cycle end? the foolish mistakes of constantly being deceived by temporary happiness. temporary is just that. not permanent. and in my search for permanence i find myself broken. and beginning the cycle all over again. selectively. the comfort is fleeting.

and in the end, i find myself uncommitted.

point a, process of thought, point b.

dear blog

dear blog.
i have been forsaking you as of late. i apologize. there are many times i wish i could write something, but for some reason or another, as of late, my mind has been pretty absent of thought. i might have lost it in japan. or fried it under the sun. either way, im still looking for it. when i find it, ill let you know. thanks for for understanding. or maybe you don't. but it really doesn't matter because you're not going anywhere. right?

ciao.

now open

It's already been three weeks since i've returned from Japan...or almost. but as much as i say already, it's also been an extremely long three weeks. Physically, mentally, and yes even spiritually, i think i almost came to a point of exhaustion. But here i am, ready to share just a little bit of what i have come to terms with over these past three weeks about Japan and my experience there, and an experience it was. so with no further, my overdue testimony:

Spending six months preparing for a missions trip builds certain expectations. As much as I denied myself and those who asked me about any expectations that I had before going to Japan, a part of me had built up certain expectations about my team, the ministry we were to do in Japan, my personal growth, and the things God was going to reveal about Himself and our newfound relationship. These were expectations built on the testimonies of previous STEMmers and their accounts of how much they had seen, experienced, learned, and most of all, changed through their month on the mission field. With these expectations in tow, I prepared myself mentally to be ready for any and all ministry that our team was to do in Japan, and on June 29, 2009, I boarded a plane from LAX to Narita Airport, ready to conquer a new land and come back a changed man.

Through the next four weeks of doing ministry in Chiba and Shonan, interacting with the natives of the land, and living and breathing the same air with five other people 24/7, I was constantly being shown just how different things really were from how I set them up to be. I was prepared for long days of tract-passing, beach cleanups, cooking for neighborhood events, and body worships at the subway station. And I was prepared for lack of immediate visual fruit or result that is to come with these kinds of ministries. But I wasn’t prepared for the mental and emotional callousness that can quickly build up through these repetitive, fruitless ministries. I was prepared for the encounter with new people and a new culture, but I wasn’t prepared for the giant wall called the language barrier that made verbal interaction so impotent. Words are my weapon of choice, not hand motions and a pocket dictionary. I was prepared to live with a team for a month, but I wasn’t prepared to invest the entirety of myself to make a team, my team.

And so as I journaled at the end of each day, I found myself becoming increasingly frustrated with God. In times of ministry and personal quiet time, I would be both taught and reminded of many small things that were encouraging me despite the daily struggles in Japan. But that wasn’t enough. I wanted more. I wanted something bigger. Where were these divine revelations that I was supposed to be hit with on the mission field? Where were these personal bonds that cut through the language barrier or the team bonds that went beyond ministry time? Where were the answers to my expectations, my harvest to my time of sowing?

And by the end of four weeks, which came altogether too quickly, I was still left with these questions and frustrations. This is not to downplay any of the blessings I was so graced with in interacting with the kids at the park, seeing the diligence and dedication of the pastors, as well as experiencing the huge heart of love shared by the congregation of Christians in Japan, but amidst all that I had seen and experienced, I still felt dissatisfied.

I brought these feelings to God in our time of debriefing, and I demanded an answer. I demanded to be shown why it was exactly that He sent me to Japan and what He wanted to reveal about Himself to me. I wanted to know, and I wanted to know immediately because wasn’t that the proper procedure? To prepare for missions and be filled with expectations, to go on missions and experience the expectations, and finally to come back from missions and be filled with revelation and a changed heart.

When God didn’t follow this procedure after my return from Japan, I began to doubt all the small things that He had so faithfully shown me over the past month. With each passing day from my return and still a blank page for my short term mission’s testimony, I began to look toward other things besides God and slowly undo all the discipline He had trained me to have over the last month.

But in our faithlessness, the Lord is still faithful. I had forgotten about the theme with which we as a STEM had worked under for the last seven months, -the harvest.

Who are we, but God’s harvest, that we may know exactly at what point God may call us to bloom and be reaped in plenty? Just because I spent months preparing for a missions trip and another month on a mission trip doesn’t give me the right to demand from God the fruit of our relational harvest once the trip is over. Who’s to say that the harvest is even ready? The concept of finality in my perspective and a testimony deadline means nothing to the timing of our sovereign God who knows exactly when our harvest is ready. And if it is not now, then as Paul tells us in Galatians and as Pastor Jeff so kindly reminded us in a sermon not too long ago, “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” (Galatians 6:9).

Just because I returned from Japan does not mean that my missions work was done, that my relationship with God above were done growing, and that my expectations that I set for myself were done being answered. In fact, last month was just the beginning. And in this reflection, I realized this was the answer I had been searching for all along. The big pot of gold in what God wanted to show me about Himself, our relationship, and most unexpectedly, about missions. And that is to keep sowing patiently and to keep working diligently. To take the diligence and discipline that I learned through these last few months of training and being in the missions field to take my spiritual walk to a deeper and more consistent level here at home. To take the passion and zeal that I had for the mission field abroad and bring it to the mission field back at home that is more personal and abundant. And finally, to not ever feel discouraged by the lack of an immediate answer or result according to the timescale we set for God, but to be “patient in affliction” (Romans 12:12) and to “show this same diligence to the very end” (Hebrews 6:11) because in “the faithfulness of the Lord [that] endures forever” (Psalms 117:2) He “will answer you, and will tell you great and hidden things that you have not known.” (Jeremiah 33).

so there it is, not a big bang, divine revelation, or lifelong conviction, but a call to patience and diligence. time to k.o.

peace.

under construction

new update to come soon.
my brain is currently under construction

5 hours and slowly counting down...

less than 5 hours left before i have to go to church. one last group praise and prayer. one final bag check. one final farewell and thats it. im gone.

how frigging crazy. it hasn't even completely hit me yet that i'll be going on an overseas mission trip. maybe it'll get to me when i first arrive at church tomorrow. maybe on the plane. maybe when i land. maybe even after that when we go through our 2 day orientation trip.

whatever though. when it does hit me, it'll be crazy. these last two weeks have been crazy. waking up at 5am everyday has been crazy. doing body worship at the top of a mountain overlooking the city has been crazy. vbs with a million kids has been crazy. this weather has been crazy. crazy crazy crazy!

and i know that what God has in plan for us in japan is CRAZY. and i can't wait.
to be honest, i go into this trip with no expectations besides the one that God is going to do crazy things. but besides that, i go, offering myself to whatever He may call me to do. May it be passing out tracks under the sun for 6 hours, cook for an entire village, perform body worship in a subway station, get naked at sento, climb mt. fuji, or whatever. Here i am Lord.

The next time i write in here will be a testiment to whatever i will be doing for the next month. as i am gone, i only pray that you will keep me in your prayers. That i may trust in the Lord wherever He will lead me, that i will lean not on my own strength but by the power that goes beyond all understanding, and that i will be a fount of blessing.

sayonara!

Intensive

I was going to write a post about intensive training this last week and how crazy it's been and this and that but i decided not to. because that's not whats important.

"If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness...
...My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
~2 Corinthians 11 and 12

Japan in 8 days. how frikking crazy. i never thought that departure day would come upon me so quickly.
pray pray pray pray

June Gloom

June Gloom casting a shadow on your day?

Here's some light.

beginnings and endings

where does one opportunity start and where does it end?
is it something we just define based on our calendars?
i like to think of it more like the Classic Crime in their album the Silver Chord.
They titled their first track "The End" and their last track "The Beginning."


Although this first year is already coming to an end (i say already because it has gone by faster than i could have ever imagined), i feel like this is but the beginning. Not just in school, my summer, or my walk with God, but in everything. This year has been quite the journey, but it was all prep work. My eyes have finally been opened. I have been given new life. So essentially, this is the beginning. Like when Korean's celebrate a baby's 100th day or "dol" the biggest party isn't essentially day 1. its a little bit after. once you've matured a little bit, gotten your bearings on where you are, who you are, and what you're up against. That was this year.

And now that i'm ready, bring on the world.
This is just the beginning.

"If a simple seed gets just what it needs,
then a redwood tree can grow
up to a hundred feet for the world to see,
and endure the sleet and the snow.

But if my whole life was wrapped and priced,
I wonder what the tag would show"

The Beginning (A Simple Seed)-The Classic Crime

~Calvin

P.S. thank you for all your supportive comments, encouragements, and sharings to my last post
P.P.S. song is now uploaded onto my music blog: http://calvinlovemusic.blogspot.com/

Prayer Request

The Word of God is too beautiful to be selfishly hoarded to just myself, so i am going to share it with one of my closest friends. I am extremely nervous, but i will be bold. I am going to share the Bible with my friend (Cho if you read this, thanks for the idea). Please read what i have wrote to him, and pray for him. There is so much power in prayer. Pray that the Lord will open his heart and mind to the Word, and that he will find encouragement in a place where he really struggles. Pray that He will find purpose in what he does. And lastly, pray for his salvation. His name is Michael.

Dear Michael,

I don’t think I ever had the courage to tell you, but I will try now. Remember back to last year, and I can’t believe it’s been a year already, when you befriended me. Although it might not have seemed like much, your gesture of friendship and openness to accept who I was regardless of what I’ve done or where I’ve been, has really made an impact on my life. If I look back upon this last year and try to pinpoint where I began to open my heart again back to the Lord, I think it was this same time when you befriended me. As crazy as it may sound, you were the reason I was able to find both faith and salvation in Christ Jesus. And since that time, I have been presented with so many opportunities to learn and grow, and I just want to turn it around now, and share with you what you led me to find.

I know that this past year for you has been difficult, away from home and stuck in a place where you don’t want to be. You have had more than your fair share of lows, especially going through a painful breakup. But Michael, I just want to encourage you and say that as much as this past year has been hard for you, rather than just discarding it, remember it, and learn from it. Take it as an opportunity to make changes in your life. Begin by reading this Bible.

This book before you now is full of knowledge, joy, encouragement, and application that you cannot even begin to fathom. There is a reason why even after 2,000 years it is a #1 bestseller! But do not take this as just another book. This book is so precious that it drips with the blood of martyrs and the tears of saints. So I invite you to open the covers and read the very words that Christ spoke and the very instructions that God gives us. This is the answer book to life.

It will be extremely difficult at first to read, and maybe even boring, but fight through that initial stage. Struggle with the Word, and continue reading. And as you read, I will be praying for you. I will pray that your eyes and heart will be opened, and you will be filled with a greater understanding. I will pray that as you begin to read, and learn, that maybe you will come to the understanding that everything in our lives happens for a reason, even Westpoint and breakups.

I know that you hate it back east in your school. I know that you hate the fact that even before my summer begins, yours has to end. I hate it to. I can’t even begin to imagine how difficult it is for you over there, but take comfort in this Word, and understand that maybe the reason you have been placed into Westpoint is to make a change in the levels of society that not too many people have the opportunity to reach. Remember that you are at a prestigious place, and use this opportunity to its fullest. Go around your duties diligently, faithfully, and joyfully and be that light of encouragement in a place that is so dark. This world needs more people like you, who have such a love for the people around themselves that they can’t help but be an encouragement. This world needs more people like you, who can take this gift into places like the military, where hope is thin.

And Michael, I know that it is hard in that as much as you passionately love your friends and your family, and you can’t always be with us, take comfort in the fact that there is someone, a greater friend, who is always with you regardless of miles of separation. This person is waiting to be your friend if you just let Him. He’s waiting inside the covers of this book for you to build a relationship with Him. He wants to share a joy that is greater than coming back home for winter break, a peace greater than a quiet midnight drive, and a love greater than any girl can bring. Maybe it was for this very reason that you had to breakup. Maybe this is your opportunity to be less dependent on people to lift you out of your struggles and bring you joy, and be more dependent on this Word and the Lord.

Aren’t you curious now? So go! Read! Satisfy that thirst deep in your soul that you could never seem to quench. And again, read. When you get lonely, read. When you feel tired and depressed, read. Even when you happen to be joyful, read. And know that in all that you do, I will be praying for you my friend, praying that you can find the same joy that you first shared with me. If you ever come across any questions or just want to share something, you know my number. In fact, you should have those digits memorized. Right? I’m just kidding. (714-345-VOTE!!!!). Or maybe I’m not. But regardless, I’ll be here.

Stay strong my friend.

Sincerely,

Calvin

And one more thing, if you have any specific verses that you would like to share that i may include in the letter, or maybe a suggestion of where to start reading from (because Genesis is a beast), please comment!

Thank you everybody!

Just What I Needed.

All week I've been meaning to write in here. About how this week was such a struggle. It wasn't that I didn't know what i needed to do, or how i needed to respond. rarely is that our struggle. For our Christians, we know the Word. But our flesh resists. The world resists. And many times we submit, and in doing so, and our soul feels lost even as we plea our case to the heavenly Father. But he does not ignore our cries. I just want to share what I read this morning that brought me the greatest joy all week. It turned my troubled heart into one of peace. I share this with you in hopes that it may lift you up out of the pits from which you are struggling, if you do happen to be. I read from Spurgeon,

"I looked for light, but darkness came; for peace, but faced trouble. I said in my heart, my mountain stands firm, I shall never be moved. Lord, You hid Your face, and I am troubled. Only yesterday I could read my title clearly; but oday my evidences are blurred, and my hopes are clouded. Yesterday I could climb the mountain and view the landscape and rejoice with confidence in my future inheritance; today my spirit has no hopes, but many fears; no joys, but great distress. Is this part of God's plan for me? Can this be the way in which God would bring me to heaven? Yes, it is even so.
The eclipse of your faith, the darkness of your mind, the fainting of your hope-all these things are just parts of God's method of making you ready for the great inheritance, which you will soon enjoy. These trials are for the testing and strengthening of your faith-they are waves that wash you further upon the rock-they are winds that steer your ship more quickly toward the desired haven. What David wrote then will be true of you: 'he brought them to their desired haven' (Psalm 107:30). By honor and dishonor, by evil report and by good report, by plenty and by poverty, by joy and by distress, by persecution and by peace-by all these things your spiritual life is maintained, and by each of these you are helped on your way. Do not think, believer, that your sorrows are out of God's plan; they are necessary parts of it. "

"Through many tribulations we must enter the kingdom." Acts 14:22

"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness." James 1:2

"O let my trembling soul be still,
And trust Thy wise, They hld will!
I cannot, Lord Thy purpose see,
Yet all is well since ruled by Thee"

burdens

i thought i left all my burdens at the cross.
why does the past still haunt me then?
im so tired of these chronic lapses.
when will i learn to let go?
rhetorical questions that have no answers, please go away.

Be Serious and Be Confident

"Be serious and be confident"

"be serious about obedience, stop ignoring your sins. DEAL WITH IT."

"no one who lives in Him, keeps on sinning. not practicing sin is the confirmation of being righteous"

"when we sin and don't repent, we cheapen the cross"

"He's not angry with us after we sin, the cross took ALL of that"

"do not put your confidence in works."

"our works are crap, but He delights in us because He love WHO we are and not our WORKS"

"we put our confidence in what we do because we don't believe in who we are"

we are children of God

Amen.

confession

i think...squirrel's are the cutest thing EVER!!!
i love seeing them around campus scuttling along or nibbling whatever squirrels nibble on.
and when they run and their tails bounce up and down and their ittie bittie butts wiggle, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

im not crazy though. but sometimes, i get sudden urges to kick the squirrel. not out of malicious intent, but because...they're so cute. is that crazy?

can you imagine having a pet squirrel and it like rests on your shoulders and runs up and down your arms and fetches things for you.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1jByfWOLmjo&
the cutest video you will watch...all day.
(props to sarah chong for the video)

ok im done.

Dear Mommy,

I love you.
Happy Mother's Day

~Son

who says you can't stop time?

some conversation today brought me to a time of reflection (i seem to be doing that a lot these days).

I closed my eyes, let the wind whip around the leaves and the sun warm my face, and stopped time. I looked back one year, two years, and a little bit beyond that, and i smiled.


What a journey its been. Exhaustive, extensive, and a million other "e" descriptive words can go here. In the heat of it all, it was hard to see the purpose of struggle, failures, and unwanted circumstances. But standing on top after it all , the evidence of everything being part of a master plan is undeniable. It's a realization that dawns on you the more you look back, and that realization gives me encouragement and motivation to just trust. Trust the big fella up above who is planning away.

Maybe one day I will go deeper into detail and share my testimony but for now, i just wanted to write down a little bit of the peace i found today when time stood still.

19 and counting

so im 19 now. but really, i didnt age an entire year overnight. from may 2nd to may 3rd, although i went from 18 to 19, i really only aged one day! and so i was doing some reflecting and praying the other day, and i just wanted to share some of the things i've concluded and committed to.

It's been 19 years and so far, and I guess more than anything I've been blessed. I haven't necessarily realized it, but everything that hapened to me in the past has brought me to who I am and now. I've made relationships, broken relationships, strayed from faith, came back, made friends, lost friends, I've lived for my parents, for other people, and most often than not, for myself. But the one thing i haven't been able to succeed in yet is maintaining a commitment. I'm very good at making them and starting them, but carrying them out all the way through until the end is a different story. But the thing was, I've always tried to carry out these commitments on my strength alone. And when my strength faded, my commitment to my...well...commitment faded as well.

And the reason I'm sharing this is because yesterday, I made a commitment to the Lord. For the next year (at least) I'm commiting myself to God and God alone. My heart, my life, my energy, my thoughts, everything that I have been blessed with, I'm commiting right back to the person who gave it all to me in the first place. I will go deeper into this new found relationship that I've made with God this past year and take it to a new level. So in all that I do, eat, pray, read the bible, study, play, missions training, I will do it for no one else but God.

Call me crazy, but I have nothing to lose and everything to gain. This life isn't even mine to live, but through grace amazing I have been given it and much more. It's taken me 19 years to realize this and now i don't have a day to spare. Whether i live 5 years, 50 years, or even 5 months, who cares? I have to thank the Lord for every single day I am given and use it for a greater purpose than my own. And in order to prepare myself for this, i am taking on this commitment. And I am not afraid of failure this time for my strength comes from the Lord.

"If God is for us, who can be against us?"
Romans 8:31

This is my prayer and my written commitment.

Hymn

i've fallen asleep crying before. not very many times i assure you, but it's been done. But i think this morning was the first time i've ever woken up crying. and im not just talking about a tear that comes out from yawning, but like a full on river. Talk about one crazy night. But before you label me a big crybaby, let me explain. Or at least try to...

Ive had some pretty wildly realistic dreams before. Ive fallen off a cliff and hit myself against the rocks and woken up in pain, rode a roller coaster that was completed and flew off the tracks and hit the ground, and some other crazy random stuff like that. But none of those ever brought me tears, just intense fear and exhilaration.

ok so last night. or actually maybe it was this morning. i heard dreams dont take that long even if they feel like an eternity. So basically i forgot how but i found out that i was dying. it wasn't like terminal cancer or anything sappy like that but i came to the realization that i only had a few more days to live. Usually that would make you intensely sad or whatnot, but for some reason i had a huge feeling of peace. and in my peace basically i started to blog. just like this. And in my blog i was giving individual shout outs to everybody i knew. It was crazy though cuz maybe it's because i've been doing so well in my spiritual walk these last couple of weeks but my the words that were coming out of my fingers shocked me.

They were of intense joy. No words of sadness, just encouragement. i was actually writing these paragraphs in my head, formulating the sentences. I could probably write all things that i "wrote" in my dream, thats how vivid the words were. I remember writing to a brother who wants to transfer next year to always keep in my his goals, to study diligently, and to always be in self-less prayer. Then i dedicated my laptop to him so that he could focus on studying and not on finances. I wrote to my non-believing uncle to finally pick up that book i gave him on his birthday and to read it with an open heart. i thanked my recomm group for being a spiritual family, i thanked FA, my small group, and the list just went on and on.

and in all this i was crying, in my dream and in real life. It's really hard to explain. they weren't of sadness, but of joy. dont get me wrong, i wasnt joyful because of i was leaving, but it was like a feeling of joy that comes from intense peace. that i was completely satisfied.

and once i finished writing the dedications, i came to my conclusion paragraph, and i started reflecting and closing up. i concluded with the thoughts that i was thankful even for the almost 19 years of life i had. i was thankful for the saving grace that allowed someone with a rotten life like mine to be able to come to peace with the thought that i can finally see my Savior and my God face to face. i was so excited. And i didn't want a funeral. or it to be called that at least. i wanted a goodbye party with lots of happy music.

and with that i finally woke up, my face and pillow soaked. call me crazy, i dont care but this dream really hit home for a couple of things.

If i were to die now, i would be at this same feeling of peace because now more than ever, i can confidently say that i will rest eternal in the place the Lord has prepared. I am more than thankful for the relationships i have built, the places i have been, the things that i have seen. I've been blessed beyond measure and to complain about something is an insult to the grace i have been given.

But is what i have done reflective of my thankfulness to this grace? I will be 19 soon and have yet to really share the gospel or been faithful for long periods of time. I want to take this time and make a commitment to be truly be more diligent for the Lord. be it studying, missions training, or everyday conversation, every minute is a gift and has been given to me to be used for His glory.

and if i ever forget, this post here is to remind me. remind me of those tears i rarely shed and why i shed them. and i leave you reader with this:

"If my heart has only one ambition
If my soul one goal to seek
This is my solitary vision 'til I only dwell in Thee
That I only dwell in Thee"

Brook Fraser - "Hymn"

simple joys

there aren't too many things i miss up here at UCLA.

aside from my mommy and my bed, the biggest thing i miss is driving.

i miss opening all the windows, sticking my hand outside, let the wind drown out everything except for the music. and then you sing. at the top of your lungs and dont give a care if anybody's staring because even if they are, chances are im driving faster than they are and ill never see them again.

sometimes ill take the car out for no apparent reason and just drive. thats the best. having no destination and just driving. but it has to be the freeway or Pacific Coast Highway because traffic lights and slow drivers make me very impatient.

you know those car commercials where there's only one car driving on the windy roads of the greenest hills next to the open ocean?

i want to be there.

so i lied...

this is my music blog:
http://calvinlovemusic.blogspot.com/

it's official

after much contemplation and deliberation, i have decided to try one of these so called blogspots.
i only wish i can fill it honestly and thoughtfully.
that's all for now