i always believed that i was a committed person. that i can follow through things which i start. that i don't say the words "i give up" or "i quit." that there are no takebacks. that my priorities are priority.
but more than recently, ive been finding myself running away from commitment. running away so that i dont have to start, so i dont have to struggle with the words "i give up", or make my priorities a priority. pitiful excuses over firm commitments. where has my foundation gone?
and so as i look even deeper, i find a crack behind the boulder. maybe i was never a committed person. so many failed relationships. abandoned hobbies. forsaken dreams. forgotten promises. ive dabbled in so many different things that nothing seems to identify with me anymore. some call it fickle. maybe its capricious. but i think there's something inherent in me that wants to be unbridled. in opposition to a fear of being tied down. of losing my independence and self worth.
and then i wonder, when will the cycle end? the foolish mistakes of constantly being deceived by temporary happiness. temporary is just that. not permanent. and in my search for permanence i find myself broken. and beginning the cycle all over again. selectively. the comfort is fleeting.
and in the end, i find myself uncommitted.
point a, process of thought, point b.
So how, then, do we find true happiness if everything is fleeting and temporary? Defeat the transience with the immortal and the infinite. "Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!" Philippians 4:4 (Thanks Eric. :D).
ReplyDeleteCommitment is a difficult and scary thing. It's not easy and it never will be. But nothing worth having in life comes without sacrifice.
I'll be praying for you. You need to overcome this.
Not that I'm good at it or anything... lol. I'm not being judgmental dude. Just trying to help. :)
ReplyDeleteI like how Kevin added his second comment. haha xD
ReplyDeleteCally, I know exactly what you mean! I think.. hahah. Fear of being tied down. That is me. So weird, I was talking about that with Pastor Jonas and other people from Sarang over a dinner couple days ago. We figured, that might be one of the reasons why I never really had a "definite" relationship with someone. if you know what I mean. I need to work on that, too.. I'll be praying for you :)
p.s. hanging out's been so much fun weeeeee!