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It's already been three weeks since i've returned from Japan...or almost. but as much as i say already, it's also been an extremely long three weeks. Physically, mentally, and yes even spiritually, i think i almost came to a point of exhaustion. But here i am, ready to share just a little bit of what i have come to terms with over these past three weeks about Japan and my experience there, and an experience it was. so with no further, my overdue testimony:

Spending six months preparing for a missions trip builds certain expectations. As much as I denied myself and those who asked me about any expectations that I had before going to Japan, a part of me had built up certain expectations about my team, the ministry we were to do in Japan, my personal growth, and the things God was going to reveal about Himself and our newfound relationship. These were expectations built on the testimonies of previous STEMmers and their accounts of how much they had seen, experienced, learned, and most of all, changed through their month on the mission field. With these expectations in tow, I prepared myself mentally to be ready for any and all ministry that our team was to do in Japan, and on June 29, 2009, I boarded a plane from LAX to Narita Airport, ready to conquer a new land and come back a changed man.

Through the next four weeks of doing ministry in Chiba and Shonan, interacting with the natives of the land, and living and breathing the same air with five other people 24/7, I was constantly being shown just how different things really were from how I set them up to be. I was prepared for long days of tract-passing, beach cleanups, cooking for neighborhood events, and body worships at the subway station. And I was prepared for lack of immediate visual fruit or result that is to come with these kinds of ministries. But I wasn’t prepared for the mental and emotional callousness that can quickly build up through these repetitive, fruitless ministries. I was prepared for the encounter with new people and a new culture, but I wasn’t prepared for the giant wall called the language barrier that made verbal interaction so impotent. Words are my weapon of choice, not hand motions and a pocket dictionary. I was prepared to live with a team for a month, but I wasn’t prepared to invest the entirety of myself to make a team, my team.

And so as I journaled at the end of each day, I found myself becoming increasingly frustrated with God. In times of ministry and personal quiet time, I would be both taught and reminded of many small things that were encouraging me despite the daily struggles in Japan. But that wasn’t enough. I wanted more. I wanted something bigger. Where were these divine revelations that I was supposed to be hit with on the mission field? Where were these personal bonds that cut through the language barrier or the team bonds that went beyond ministry time? Where were the answers to my expectations, my harvest to my time of sowing?

And by the end of four weeks, which came altogether too quickly, I was still left with these questions and frustrations. This is not to downplay any of the blessings I was so graced with in interacting with the kids at the park, seeing the diligence and dedication of the pastors, as well as experiencing the huge heart of love shared by the congregation of Christians in Japan, but amidst all that I had seen and experienced, I still felt dissatisfied.

I brought these feelings to God in our time of debriefing, and I demanded an answer. I demanded to be shown why it was exactly that He sent me to Japan and what He wanted to reveal about Himself to me. I wanted to know, and I wanted to know immediately because wasn’t that the proper procedure? To prepare for missions and be filled with expectations, to go on missions and experience the expectations, and finally to come back from missions and be filled with revelation and a changed heart.

When God didn’t follow this procedure after my return from Japan, I began to doubt all the small things that He had so faithfully shown me over the past month. With each passing day from my return and still a blank page for my short term mission’s testimony, I began to look toward other things besides God and slowly undo all the discipline He had trained me to have over the last month.

But in our faithlessness, the Lord is still faithful. I had forgotten about the theme with which we as a STEM had worked under for the last seven months, -the harvest.

Who are we, but God’s harvest, that we may know exactly at what point God may call us to bloom and be reaped in plenty? Just because I spent months preparing for a missions trip and another month on a mission trip doesn’t give me the right to demand from God the fruit of our relational harvest once the trip is over. Who’s to say that the harvest is even ready? The concept of finality in my perspective and a testimony deadline means nothing to the timing of our sovereign God who knows exactly when our harvest is ready. And if it is not now, then as Paul tells us in Galatians and as Pastor Jeff so kindly reminded us in a sermon not too long ago, “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” (Galatians 6:9).

Just because I returned from Japan does not mean that my missions work was done, that my relationship with God above were done growing, and that my expectations that I set for myself were done being answered. In fact, last month was just the beginning. And in this reflection, I realized this was the answer I had been searching for all along. The big pot of gold in what God wanted to show me about Himself, our relationship, and most unexpectedly, about missions. And that is to keep sowing patiently and to keep working diligently. To take the diligence and discipline that I learned through these last few months of training and being in the missions field to take my spiritual walk to a deeper and more consistent level here at home. To take the passion and zeal that I had for the mission field abroad and bring it to the mission field back at home that is more personal and abundant. And finally, to not ever feel discouraged by the lack of an immediate answer or result according to the timescale we set for God, but to be “patient in affliction” (Romans 12:12) and to “show this same diligence to the very end” (Hebrews 6:11) because in “the faithfulness of the Lord [that] endures forever” (Psalms 117:2) He “will answer you, and will tell you great and hidden things that you have not known.” (Jeremiah 33).

so there it is, not a big bang, divine revelation, or lifelong conviction, but a call to patience and diligence. time to k.o.

peace.