you would think that having a week free of midterms, assignments, and just...stuff would be relaxing. but i guess i'm a busybody. when there's work to do, when there's things to get done, i lower my head and just go. and when im going, im not thinking, im not looking around, and im not really stressed. im just focused on an immediate goal and nothing can faze me. and in these moments when everything is systematic, orderly, and going according to my plan, everything is good.
and then there's weeks like this. when im liberated and free to do whatever i want. i change of pace that in the middle of business, i look forward to it. but i guess i'm better off when things are just going. not stopping. i've been wrestling with some big things this week, and its been quite a match in my head. its only thursday and im more physically and mentally exhausted than ive been all quarter.
i've been thinking a lot about my immediate future and plans and goals. and when things aren't so concrete, i admit it stresses me. the lack of solidity drives me to find it, and sometimes i understand that big decisions take time. yes they take careful planning but they also take moments off to just sit and be undisturbed. i think im trying to think everything through logically in my head, im trying to be systematic. im trying to fit a circle peg into a square hole.
it wasn't working, i wasn't getting an answer. i was getting more stressed out.
and then today. i felt an urge to just have a day of peace. a moment of silence. some rest. even God rested on the 7th day. so i did. sucks to the consistency of class. i decided i could have a day off after my morning quiz. i decided i could have a midmorning nap and a mid afternoon movie. (i watched kiki's delivery service).
and now im refreshed. im poised. im ready for the weekend. maybe. or i could just be delusional. i had mountain dew just for kicks. and i never drink soda. or rarely i should say (never say never). and now i still have to go back and fight the system. fight my fears and the problems i brushed aside.
should i dive head first or feet first?
Feet. Diving headfirst can kill you.
ReplyDeletehahaha you WOULD watch Kiki's Delivery Service :P Glad to see you had a day to just chill :]
ReplyDeletehead first! hehe. actually, idk...
ReplyDeleteahh Kiki's Delivery Service! I want to re-watch that movie now :) all his movies are so wonderful! I have a big totoro doll next to my pillow. it's so cute to me.. but everyone that visits my room and sees it always gets kinda weirded out and says "what animal is that?!" and i dont know what animal it is... :( i bought it in korea. :) and i am not sure why i told you these! ..but i hope it adds to your non-systematic day!! i would like a day like yours. mine was kind of like yours today :]
lol those breaks are necessary sometimes, even when you still have to go right back into the same amount of madness. a little refreshment, energy booster, morale builder :-)
ReplyDeletei say dive head first - its more daring, fun, and dolphins do it all the time ;-)