struggles.
too many times i try to be the one in the drivers seat. things need to go as i want them to. especially when it comes to personal goals and schedules. but when things get tossed around a little bit and i get out of sync, it becomes a day like today.
completely random, unproductive, and spent with that constant pressure of having to do something but not really wanting to do it. a total wrench in the gear kind of day.
but amidst all chaos, i did find a moment of calm. i packed my bags, put on a jacket, turned on the headphones and just walked. i flip-flopped down the awkward steps so loud that im sure you heard it. i stared at the people running in drake stadium, all confined to their individual alleys and headsets. i walked through a rather sophisticated party of tuxedos in front of the jan steps in my sweats and took my sweet time. i helped a lost man to royce hall. i climbed a flight of stairs and then climbed back down just because i wanted to. i sat in the middle of the giant funnel sculpture in front of broad shine my flashlight straight up.
i had my own personal adventure. and as short and random as it was, the night air cleared my head. the thin fog cooled my emotions.
tomorrow is a new day.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
manic monday
just when i thought i had it all figured out, i'm reminded with days like today that i don't.
i don't know exactly what part of today that threw me off. maybe it was falling asleep during morning prayer and QT while thinking im strong enough to do this every week. maybe it was walking to a different class than i normally do on monday mornings. the muffin i ate instead of a rendezvous bagel sandwich? actually trying to do my readings but failing miserably? eating a spontaneous dinner? my first monday night prayer? my first skype videochat with my new headset? listening to someone talk about their personal relationship til 2am in a dark room?
just the whole day was out of the ordinary regimented schedule that i like to order my life after. there weren't even any big wrenches. just a lot of little small ones, and just like that i feel...
i don't know. i don't really know how i feel. i don't know how to react. it's like my feelings got confused. at times i felt excited. then i felt lonely, ambivalent, motivated, hedonistic, deceptive, free, angry...just too many things. at once, one at a time, this, that, that, this.
there is no point to this post. there is no structure, no subliminal message, no sense.
its just another manic monday.
i don't know exactly what part of today that threw me off. maybe it was falling asleep during morning prayer and QT while thinking im strong enough to do this every week. maybe it was walking to a different class than i normally do on monday mornings. the muffin i ate instead of a rendezvous bagel sandwich? actually trying to do my readings but failing miserably? eating a spontaneous dinner? my first monday night prayer? my first skype videochat with my new headset? listening to someone talk about their personal relationship til 2am in a dark room?
just the whole day was out of the ordinary regimented schedule that i like to order my life after. there weren't even any big wrenches. just a lot of little small ones, and just like that i feel...
i don't know. i don't really know how i feel. i don't know how to react. it's like my feelings got confused. at times i felt excited. then i felt lonely, ambivalent, motivated, hedonistic, deceptive, free, angry...just too many things. at once, one at a time, this, that, that, this.
there is no point to this post. there is no structure, no subliminal message, no sense.
its just another manic monday.
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