Just What I Needed.

All week I've been meaning to write in here. About how this week was such a struggle. It wasn't that I didn't know what i needed to do, or how i needed to respond. rarely is that our struggle. For our Christians, we know the Word. But our flesh resists. The world resists. And many times we submit, and in doing so, and our soul feels lost even as we plea our case to the heavenly Father. But he does not ignore our cries. I just want to share what I read this morning that brought me the greatest joy all week. It turned my troubled heart into one of peace. I share this with you in hopes that it may lift you up out of the pits from which you are struggling, if you do happen to be. I read from Spurgeon,

"I looked for light, but darkness came; for peace, but faced trouble. I said in my heart, my mountain stands firm, I shall never be moved. Lord, You hid Your face, and I am troubled. Only yesterday I could read my title clearly; but oday my evidences are blurred, and my hopes are clouded. Yesterday I could climb the mountain and view the landscape and rejoice with confidence in my future inheritance; today my spirit has no hopes, but many fears; no joys, but great distress. Is this part of God's plan for me? Can this be the way in which God would bring me to heaven? Yes, it is even so.
The eclipse of your faith, the darkness of your mind, the fainting of your hope-all these things are just parts of God's method of making you ready for the great inheritance, which you will soon enjoy. These trials are for the testing and strengthening of your faith-they are waves that wash you further upon the rock-they are winds that steer your ship more quickly toward the desired haven. What David wrote then will be true of you: 'he brought them to their desired haven' (Psalm 107:30). By honor and dishonor, by evil report and by good report, by plenty and by poverty, by joy and by distress, by persecution and by peace-by all these things your spiritual life is maintained, and by each of these you are helped on your way. Do not think, believer, that your sorrows are out of God's plan; they are necessary parts of it. "

"Through many tribulations we must enter the kingdom." Acts 14:22

"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness." James 1:2

"O let my trembling soul be still,
And trust Thy wise, They hld will!
I cannot, Lord Thy purpose see,
Yet all is well since ruled by Thee"

burdens

i thought i left all my burdens at the cross.
why does the past still haunt me then?
im so tired of these chronic lapses.
when will i learn to let go?
rhetorical questions that have no answers, please go away.

Be Serious and Be Confident

"Be serious and be confident"

"be serious about obedience, stop ignoring your sins. DEAL WITH IT."

"no one who lives in Him, keeps on sinning. not practicing sin is the confirmation of being righteous"

"when we sin and don't repent, we cheapen the cross"

"He's not angry with us after we sin, the cross took ALL of that"

"do not put your confidence in works."

"our works are crap, but He delights in us because He love WHO we are and not our WORKS"

"we put our confidence in what we do because we don't believe in who we are"

we are children of God

Amen.

confession

i think...squirrel's are the cutest thing EVER!!!
i love seeing them around campus scuttling along or nibbling whatever squirrels nibble on.
and when they run and their tails bounce up and down and their ittie bittie butts wiggle, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

im not crazy though. but sometimes, i get sudden urges to kick the squirrel. not out of malicious intent, but because...they're so cute. is that crazy?

can you imagine having a pet squirrel and it like rests on your shoulders and runs up and down your arms and fetches things for you.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1jByfWOLmjo&
the cutest video you will watch...all day.
(props to sarah chong for the video)

ok im done.

Dear Mommy,

I love you.
Happy Mother's Day

~Son

who says you can't stop time?

some conversation today brought me to a time of reflection (i seem to be doing that a lot these days).

I closed my eyes, let the wind whip around the leaves and the sun warm my face, and stopped time. I looked back one year, two years, and a little bit beyond that, and i smiled.


What a journey its been. Exhaustive, extensive, and a million other "e" descriptive words can go here. In the heat of it all, it was hard to see the purpose of struggle, failures, and unwanted circumstances. But standing on top after it all , the evidence of everything being part of a master plan is undeniable. It's a realization that dawns on you the more you look back, and that realization gives me encouragement and motivation to just trust. Trust the big fella up above who is planning away.

Maybe one day I will go deeper into detail and share my testimony but for now, i just wanted to write down a little bit of the peace i found today when time stood still.

19 and counting

so im 19 now. but really, i didnt age an entire year overnight. from may 2nd to may 3rd, although i went from 18 to 19, i really only aged one day! and so i was doing some reflecting and praying the other day, and i just wanted to share some of the things i've concluded and committed to.

It's been 19 years and so far, and I guess more than anything I've been blessed. I haven't necessarily realized it, but everything that hapened to me in the past has brought me to who I am and now. I've made relationships, broken relationships, strayed from faith, came back, made friends, lost friends, I've lived for my parents, for other people, and most often than not, for myself. But the one thing i haven't been able to succeed in yet is maintaining a commitment. I'm very good at making them and starting them, but carrying them out all the way through until the end is a different story. But the thing was, I've always tried to carry out these commitments on my strength alone. And when my strength faded, my commitment to my...well...commitment faded as well.

And the reason I'm sharing this is because yesterday, I made a commitment to the Lord. For the next year (at least) I'm commiting myself to God and God alone. My heart, my life, my energy, my thoughts, everything that I have been blessed with, I'm commiting right back to the person who gave it all to me in the first place. I will go deeper into this new found relationship that I've made with God this past year and take it to a new level. So in all that I do, eat, pray, read the bible, study, play, missions training, I will do it for no one else but God.

Call me crazy, but I have nothing to lose and everything to gain. This life isn't even mine to live, but through grace amazing I have been given it and much more. It's taken me 19 years to realize this and now i don't have a day to spare. Whether i live 5 years, 50 years, or even 5 months, who cares? I have to thank the Lord for every single day I am given and use it for a greater purpose than my own. And in order to prepare myself for this, i am taking on this commitment. And I am not afraid of failure this time for my strength comes from the Lord.

"If God is for us, who can be against us?"
Romans 8:31

This is my prayer and my written commitment.

Hymn

i've fallen asleep crying before. not very many times i assure you, but it's been done. But i think this morning was the first time i've ever woken up crying. and im not just talking about a tear that comes out from yawning, but like a full on river. Talk about one crazy night. But before you label me a big crybaby, let me explain. Or at least try to...

Ive had some pretty wildly realistic dreams before. Ive fallen off a cliff and hit myself against the rocks and woken up in pain, rode a roller coaster that was completed and flew off the tracks and hit the ground, and some other crazy random stuff like that. But none of those ever brought me tears, just intense fear and exhilaration.

ok so last night. or actually maybe it was this morning. i heard dreams dont take that long even if they feel like an eternity. So basically i forgot how but i found out that i was dying. it wasn't like terminal cancer or anything sappy like that but i came to the realization that i only had a few more days to live. Usually that would make you intensely sad or whatnot, but for some reason i had a huge feeling of peace. and in my peace basically i started to blog. just like this. And in my blog i was giving individual shout outs to everybody i knew. It was crazy though cuz maybe it's because i've been doing so well in my spiritual walk these last couple of weeks but my the words that were coming out of my fingers shocked me.

They were of intense joy. No words of sadness, just encouragement. i was actually writing these paragraphs in my head, formulating the sentences. I could probably write all things that i "wrote" in my dream, thats how vivid the words were. I remember writing to a brother who wants to transfer next year to always keep in my his goals, to study diligently, and to always be in self-less prayer. Then i dedicated my laptop to him so that he could focus on studying and not on finances. I wrote to my non-believing uncle to finally pick up that book i gave him on his birthday and to read it with an open heart. i thanked my recomm group for being a spiritual family, i thanked FA, my small group, and the list just went on and on.

and in all this i was crying, in my dream and in real life. It's really hard to explain. they weren't of sadness, but of joy. dont get me wrong, i wasnt joyful because of i was leaving, but it was like a feeling of joy that comes from intense peace. that i was completely satisfied.

and once i finished writing the dedications, i came to my conclusion paragraph, and i started reflecting and closing up. i concluded with the thoughts that i was thankful even for the almost 19 years of life i had. i was thankful for the saving grace that allowed someone with a rotten life like mine to be able to come to peace with the thought that i can finally see my Savior and my God face to face. i was so excited. And i didn't want a funeral. or it to be called that at least. i wanted a goodbye party with lots of happy music.

and with that i finally woke up, my face and pillow soaked. call me crazy, i dont care but this dream really hit home for a couple of things.

If i were to die now, i would be at this same feeling of peace because now more than ever, i can confidently say that i will rest eternal in the place the Lord has prepared. I am more than thankful for the relationships i have built, the places i have been, the things that i have seen. I've been blessed beyond measure and to complain about something is an insult to the grace i have been given.

But is what i have done reflective of my thankfulness to this grace? I will be 19 soon and have yet to really share the gospel or been faithful for long periods of time. I want to take this time and make a commitment to be truly be more diligent for the Lord. be it studying, missions training, or everyday conversation, every minute is a gift and has been given to me to be used for His glory.

and if i ever forget, this post here is to remind me. remind me of those tears i rarely shed and why i shed them. and i leave you reader with this:

"If my heart has only one ambition
If my soul one goal to seek
This is my solitary vision 'til I only dwell in Thee
That I only dwell in Thee"

Brook Fraser - "Hymn"