where did i go wrong?
where did i become so derailed from my initial agenda that i dont even have the motivation to get back on track?
take me back 5 weeks from now. and i wouldve told you never.
im stronger than that. better than that. ive grown out of that.
but now i sit here. its like square one all over again.
it's not how can i go back. i already know that.
it's why can't i bring myself to go back.
in my head i want to make those changes. but in my heart, something is resisting.
i must find it. i must vanquish it. like a ghostbuster. or a sinbuster.
i keep reaching for my squirt gun even though i know the man above me is giving me a napalm to use. there's something inherently wrong with that picture. what is it?
Monday, November 30, 2009
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Look ma' no floaties!
you would think that having a week free of midterms, assignments, and just...stuff would be relaxing. but i guess i'm a busybody. when there's work to do, when there's things to get done, i lower my head and just go. and when im going, im not thinking, im not looking around, and im not really stressed. im just focused on an immediate goal and nothing can faze me. and in these moments when everything is systematic, orderly, and going according to my plan, everything is good.
and then there's weeks like this. when im liberated and free to do whatever i want. i change of pace that in the middle of business, i look forward to it. but i guess i'm better off when things are just going. not stopping. i've been wrestling with some big things this week, and its been quite a match in my head. its only thursday and im more physically and mentally exhausted than ive been all quarter.
i've been thinking a lot about my immediate future and plans and goals. and when things aren't so concrete, i admit it stresses me. the lack of solidity drives me to find it, and sometimes i understand that big decisions take time. yes they take careful planning but they also take moments off to just sit and be undisturbed. i think im trying to think everything through logically in my head, im trying to be systematic. im trying to fit a circle peg into a square hole.
it wasn't working, i wasn't getting an answer. i was getting more stressed out.
and then today. i felt an urge to just have a day of peace. a moment of silence. some rest. even God rested on the 7th day. so i did. sucks to the consistency of class. i decided i could have a day off after my morning quiz. i decided i could have a midmorning nap and a mid afternoon movie. (i watched kiki's delivery service).
and now im refreshed. im poised. im ready for the weekend. maybe. or i could just be delusional. i had mountain dew just for kicks. and i never drink soda. or rarely i should say (never say never). and now i still have to go back and fight the system. fight my fears and the problems i brushed aside.
should i dive head first or feet first?
and then there's weeks like this. when im liberated and free to do whatever i want. i change of pace that in the middle of business, i look forward to it. but i guess i'm better off when things are just going. not stopping. i've been wrestling with some big things this week, and its been quite a match in my head. its only thursday and im more physically and mentally exhausted than ive been all quarter.
i've been thinking a lot about my immediate future and plans and goals. and when things aren't so concrete, i admit it stresses me. the lack of solidity drives me to find it, and sometimes i understand that big decisions take time. yes they take careful planning but they also take moments off to just sit and be undisturbed. i think im trying to think everything through logically in my head, im trying to be systematic. im trying to fit a circle peg into a square hole.
it wasn't working, i wasn't getting an answer. i was getting more stressed out.
and then today. i felt an urge to just have a day of peace. a moment of silence. some rest. even God rested on the 7th day. so i did. sucks to the consistency of class. i decided i could have a day off after my morning quiz. i decided i could have a midmorning nap and a mid afternoon movie. (i watched kiki's delivery service).
and now im refreshed. im poised. im ready for the weekend. maybe. or i could just be delusional. i had mountain dew just for kicks. and i never drink soda. or rarely i should say (never say never). and now i still have to go back and fight the system. fight my fears and the problems i brushed aside.
should i dive head first or feet first?
Sunday, November 1, 2009
insert creative title here
daylight savings time officially ends in 2 hours. we're supposed to change our clocks at 2am.
but i don't get it.
are we really saving daylight? or are we just tricking our time scale and eventually ourselves about time and its relation to the brightness of the sky? (because in about a week i'll forget that we ever moved our clocks back until we have to move it forward again).
and then everytime we do this daylight saving business, i get super paranoid that my cellphone clock might not change and my alarm will be off for the morning so i set all these other manual alarms so i dont oversleep. or undersleep and wake up panicking thinking i overslept.
and you know what the end of daylight savings time usually means?
it means winter is coming.
i hate winter. i hate being wet (its inconvenient) and i hate cold (its cold). and winter is wet and cold. and on top of that it gets dreary and dark. i dont like that either. i like warm sunny beach. i like shorts and a t-shirt. or maybe even no t-shirt. if its appropriate.
BUTT.
for some reason i dont have a sense of dread about winter coming this year. and usually i DREAD it. like NOOOO DONT COME.
i think its been a long summer. a long, difficult, fulfilling, memorable, maturing, learning summer.
and i think im ready to move on. and i guess whats next on the 4 seasons menu is winter. fall was basically like summer. except for those two miserable days of rain.
so welcome back winter once again <--- link
but i don't get it.
are we really saving daylight? or are we just tricking our time scale and eventually ourselves about time and its relation to the brightness of the sky? (because in about a week i'll forget that we ever moved our clocks back until we have to move it forward again).
and then everytime we do this daylight saving business, i get super paranoid that my cellphone clock might not change and my alarm will be off for the morning so i set all these other manual alarms so i dont oversleep. or undersleep and wake up panicking thinking i overslept.
and you know what the end of daylight savings time usually means?
it means winter is coming.
i hate winter. i hate being wet (its inconvenient) and i hate cold (its cold). and winter is wet and cold. and on top of that it gets dreary and dark. i dont like that either. i like warm sunny beach. i like shorts and a t-shirt. or maybe even no t-shirt. if its appropriate.
BUTT.
for some reason i dont have a sense of dread about winter coming this year. and usually i DREAD it. like NOOOO DONT COME.
i think its been a long summer. a long, difficult, fulfilling, memorable, maturing, learning summer.
and i think im ready to move on. and i guess whats next on the 4 seasons menu is winter. fall was basically like summer. except for those two miserable days of rain.
so welcome back winter once again <--- link
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