just enough.

I am being taught about the strength to be found in weakness.

Each day I grow weaker, pushing the boundaries and the limits of my physicality.

Never in my life have I felt so exhausted at the end of each day.

But with the coming of each new morning, I am given strength which is not my own.

Strength that can only come when I am weak, humbled, and broken.

I pray, "give me this day my daily bread," but not too much that I may become prideful and dependent on my own strength, but just enough to get me through the day. Just enough.

Wretched man that i am

To deceive one's own heart is the most dangerous of things.

To learn of this deception is the most painful of things.

I'm not exactly sure where to start or where to end. I've hit backspace half a dozen times...make that a dozen.

I knew I was in a war. A war between my flesh and my heart. My heart longing to be with God and my flesh longing for the things of this world. But I thought that by the power of the spirit that my flesh was under control. I thought I was actually in a place where my flesh was actually longing for God as well. But sin manifests itself in ways that you don't even realize. And I guess I failed to see the ways sin was manifesting itself within me because I was in a state of spiritual content. Call it apathy but I thought I was truly fighting. I guess I left my flank open.

But I read Romans 7:

"For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do no want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but the sin that dwells within me.

So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members . Wretch man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin."

I read this and I can only shake my head in full agreement. I understand. Wretched man that I am. I prayed for dependence solely on God last week. And He broke me to a place where that only one I can depend on is Him. I just need to look up.

But it's so hard. so very hard...