educational tv

the season finale ended sunday. but i watched the "live" recorded version today.
and for those who were wondering, i'm talking about SURVIVOR. apparently i'm one of the millions who watch this most popular reality tv show yet i cant count more people than fingers i have on one hand who still watch this show.

and i talk about this because thought hit me today as i finished one of the "greatest seasons of suvivor history: season 19". thats right they already have 19 seasons of this stuff. and ive watched every season (minus season 18 which i have to go back and watch now) since season 3 africa. you can say i'm a loyal fan. its even on my list of things to apply for. ive got the pdf on my desktop. its a passion.

butt ( )( )...(and thats a big butt...), i have to admit i had some thoughts cross my mind during this finale that never have really crossed my mind before. and im wondering if i had anything to coincide with a mentality that was fresh off of a retreat.

watching these contestants, 6 months after the show was all filmed, aired, and finished, these people were still trying to validate themselves by the things that they did in the game. and yes while it was "just" a game, to many of these contestants, this "game" represented the entire context of a person. there was a sense of self-worth that had to be defined by things they did in the game. and for one contestant by the name of russell, it went as far as offering $100,000 to the winner of the show in order to be given the title as the "sole survivor".

for russell it was like this. he believed he played the greatest, most strategic, most manipulative game in survivor history. and as a fan, i cannot disagree. watching the show, as just a show, russell was by far the most exciting player in the game. and in the moments where i defined a person just by the things that he did in the context of the show and in the context of winning, russell was my favorite player. i wanted him to win to prove his worth as this greatest player. but in the end, when it came down to the final day where he single handedly placed himself, he lost. the reason was because the people that vote for the winner of the show believed that a persons worth went further then the context of the game. the way the game was played represented a person's greater image in contexts out of the game. but russell couldnt accept that, and he wanted the title of the winner because he felt deserving of it. his actions in the game justified it.

and watching this, i couldnt but help pity this man. pity the man who was happily married with a pair of twin daughters. a man who was a self-made business man, who turned his dream into a multi-million dollar oil company. a man who was so skillful at manipulating people, that he made the game of survivor into a joke. but in the end, there was nothing this man could do in all his justification, to bring himself the title of the winner or "sole survivor." that was out of his hands. that was out of his perception of reality.

so whats left? a failed sense of justification. a distorted view of reality. or for russell, the game.
and as i thought about that, i thought about one of the many things i learned this retreat. and i do say many. (i have a feeling there will be many more posts in these next few days).
how many times have i been blinded by this game of life just like russell?
how many times have i held on to a sense of reality that i believed i have rightfully or successfully justified myself. in my faith, how many times have i deluded myself and justified myself in thinking that i am successful by the things i do and the positive emotions i feel? how many times have a i placed my worth in the things that i associated myself with?

its all worthless justification.

the only justification is the justification by faith alone, made justified by the blood of Christ.

i think this was an understanding process that began in the beginning of this year (ironically, or maybe not, around the same time the season of survivor started) and has come to full realization now. (SPOILER ALERT)

if you've made it this deep in the post, ill share something personal. (not that i write this post for you but more so that i can comprehend and get my thoughts down in a manner different from pen and paper).

it goes back to the moment of my assurance of salvation. my baptism. less than a year ago but coming almost to a full year now coming january. it's not that before then i had never been to church. in fact, i had been at sarang since the 2nd grade. it's not that i had never known or heard of the gospel, of the bible, of justification by faith alone, of this of that...i had been a youth bible study teacher, an assistant, a president of some leadership group, a praise team member, a this, a that, a whatever. you want a list of things i ve done? ive got it. things i knew? i could write a book. but all of that, i quote someone you might know well. "i count it all a loss."

because in the end, those things were useless. in fact, they were hindering me. they blinded me from seeing the thing i never had, faith. you can have all the knowledge and accomplishments in this world, but without Christ, it is all for naught. and for me, these things which i knew and did, (and i did them well just like russell played the game of survivor), became my identity. it became my justification of faith. how can i do all of these, how can i know all of this and not know Christ?

but thats the thing. i missed the big picture. i missed the part where there was a life and a contet of judgement of morals beyond the game.

that people look beyond what you did in the game (russell) and put them in the context of society, and to these people, the means which you ruthlessly got to your position at the top (lie, cheat, steal, burn socks) was acceptable in the context of winning the game, but not in the context of society.

i missed the part where there was a greater purpose to all of my serving and head knowledge. there was a real and living God who wanted a real and living relationship. not just, stuff.

so coming back now to the beginning of this year, people always ask me why i never joined the church praise team, the church servant team, or even dt for that matter. and for me, it was difficult to answer these questions because i knew i couldnt answer it in one sentence of "just because".

i really did want to turn in those applications. i wanted to go deeper into a spiritual community that had helped me finally see the bigger picture and what i had missed these first 19 years of my life. 18 at the time. but in my heart, i knew i just wasn't ready. no not serve, i was ready to do that. what i wasn't ready to do was dive back into the very things so blinded me back in my years of well...blindness. in my new found understanding of this "big picture" or the establishment of a personal relationship and justification by faith alone, i didnt want to find myself justifying my walk with things like praise or events or this or that. because as much as i thought i could in my mind, in my heart i knew i couldn't do these things just yet without feeling a sense of accomplishment and worth in a faith that is NOT justified by works.

and because knowing was not enough, i had to make a drastic action to get this through to my heart. i had to say no to the pride of my head and obey the humility of the heart. because what good is a blind leader? or a deaf servant?

and when it comes down to it now, do i have any regrets people ask? i say no. no regrets because that was the will of God. for me to learn the very things that i am typing now. but i cannot lie and say that not regrets, but thoughts of "what if" occasionally cross my mind. "what if" i had done this or joined that. what would certain relationships be like now. but "what ifs" are secondary to what is. and that is the person standing before you now. faultless and blameless only in the shadow of the cross.

and who says tv is not educational?