Hymn

i've fallen asleep crying before. not very many times i assure you, but it's been done. But i think this morning was the first time i've ever woken up crying. and im not just talking about a tear that comes out from yawning, but like a full on river. Talk about one crazy night. But before you label me a big crybaby, let me explain. Or at least try to...

Ive had some pretty wildly realistic dreams before. Ive fallen off a cliff and hit myself against the rocks and woken up in pain, rode a roller coaster that was completed and flew off the tracks and hit the ground, and some other crazy random stuff like that. But none of those ever brought me tears, just intense fear and exhilaration.

ok so last night. or actually maybe it was this morning. i heard dreams dont take that long even if they feel like an eternity. So basically i forgot how but i found out that i was dying. it wasn't like terminal cancer or anything sappy like that but i came to the realization that i only had a few more days to live. Usually that would make you intensely sad or whatnot, but for some reason i had a huge feeling of peace. and in my peace basically i started to blog. just like this. And in my blog i was giving individual shout outs to everybody i knew. It was crazy though cuz maybe it's because i've been doing so well in my spiritual walk these last couple of weeks but my the words that were coming out of my fingers shocked me.

They were of intense joy. No words of sadness, just encouragement. i was actually writing these paragraphs in my head, formulating the sentences. I could probably write all things that i "wrote" in my dream, thats how vivid the words were. I remember writing to a brother who wants to transfer next year to always keep in my his goals, to study diligently, and to always be in self-less prayer. Then i dedicated my laptop to him so that he could focus on studying and not on finances. I wrote to my non-believing uncle to finally pick up that book i gave him on his birthday and to read it with an open heart. i thanked my recomm group for being a spiritual family, i thanked FA, my small group, and the list just went on and on.

and in all this i was crying, in my dream and in real life. It's really hard to explain. they weren't of sadness, but of joy. dont get me wrong, i wasnt joyful because of i was leaving, but it was like a feeling of joy that comes from intense peace. that i was completely satisfied.

and once i finished writing the dedications, i came to my conclusion paragraph, and i started reflecting and closing up. i concluded with the thoughts that i was thankful even for the almost 19 years of life i had. i was thankful for the saving grace that allowed someone with a rotten life like mine to be able to come to peace with the thought that i can finally see my Savior and my God face to face. i was so excited. And i didn't want a funeral. or it to be called that at least. i wanted a goodbye party with lots of happy music.

and with that i finally woke up, my face and pillow soaked. call me crazy, i dont care but this dream really hit home for a couple of things.

If i were to die now, i would be at this same feeling of peace because now more than ever, i can confidently say that i will rest eternal in the place the Lord has prepared. I am more than thankful for the relationships i have built, the places i have been, the things that i have seen. I've been blessed beyond measure and to complain about something is an insult to the grace i have been given.

But is what i have done reflective of my thankfulness to this grace? I will be 19 soon and have yet to really share the gospel or been faithful for long periods of time. I want to take this time and make a commitment to be truly be more diligent for the Lord. be it studying, missions training, or everyday conversation, every minute is a gift and has been given to me to be used for His glory.

and if i ever forget, this post here is to remind me. remind me of those tears i rarely shed and why i shed them. and i leave you reader with this:

"If my heart has only one ambition
If my soul one goal to seek
This is my solitary vision 'til I only dwell in Thee
That I only dwell in Thee"

Brook Fraser - "Hymn"